I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. Although me and my boyfriend were trying to get pregnant, I did not expect to see a positive result on a pregnancy test just a month after we had stopped using protection. But... surprise! The pregnancy test showed two lines!
I was happy and shocked at the same time. I could not believe I was actually pregnant! I did not feel pregnant at all! My periods were a little late but I did not feel any signs of pregnancy! I decided to take another pregnancy test just to be sure and it was positive too!
So this is the beginning of my pregnancy story. I remember the mixed feelings and emotions I felt after I had found out I was having a baby. I was so confused. Reality suddenly hit me hard. This was really happening! Suddenly I realized there was no way back. My life changed forever that moment I saw two lines. I remember thinking what I had done. Suddenly I started hesitating my decision about having a baby. Was I ready for such a life change? Would I be a good mother?
I believe I am not the only one having such an ambiguous reaction to the positive pregnancy test. It is normal to get scared in such a life turning point. But back then I felt so lonely with all my mixed emotions. I was even afraid to tell my boyfriend I was hesitating. I felt I was not allowed to have any doubts because pregnancy was planned and desired. I kept all my fears to myself and now I believe this was the main reasons why I got depressed. I believed in a fairy tail suggested by mass media that pregnancy is an absolute joy. I felt so lonely with my fears that maybe I had made a mistake. It took me a while and a lot of psychotherapy to actually admit to myself I was allowed to have doubts, to be angry at my baby and at the situation I was in. Being scared does not make me a bad person. It makes me human.
No comments:
Post a Comment