Did I make a mistake?

Yesterday I had a thought that hit me hard. Did I make a mistake? Was my decision to have a baby a mistake? Is it a mistake to get married? These questions are very frightening because when I think about them I feel the foundations of my life shaking. 

Even though my pregnancy have been very difficult emotionally and physically, I have always calmed myself repeating to myself that having a baby will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. But what if it won't? What if it is a mistake? My calm, simple and plain life is over. Everything has changed. What if my suffering during pregnancy is just a beginning of life long struggles? How should I believe that having a baby will bring not only struggles but joy as well? I know that probably all these scaring and negative thoughts are just a part of my depression. But today knowing the facts does not help me feeling better emotionally. Today I'm terrified of what's coming.

I am engaged. I also sometimes think if I should get married. Having a life long commitment seems overwhelming. Don't get me wrong. I love my fiance very much and I cannot imagine my life without him. I just don't feel safe in the relationship. I am afraid he will not be able to take care of me and the baby or he will leave us. He proved me wrong a thousand times but I still don't feel safe. Deep down I know it is not about him or about his behavior. It is about my general feeling of insecurity. And it is very difficult to live with this loneliness. I have a very supporting family but I still feel so alone with my pregnancy.

As i read what I have just wrote I can see my depression speaking. I want to believe depression will be over one day and I will be happy, I will get married and I will love my baby extremely. But for now I just need to survive this difficult period and not to make any big decisions in my life. I am very grateful to my fiance he agreed to wait with the wedding. I want to feel happy and not overwhelmed or confused on my wedding day. And for now I just need to get through another day.