Scary thoughts come at night

Last night was rough. I rolled over again and again a hundred times. I just couldn't sleep. I had a thousand thoughts in my head spinning around. And I just could't keep my legs still. I felt the need to move or shake my legs. It calmed me a little. 

What were those scary thoughts that made my night sleepless about? They were about the future. I am so afraid that I will fall apart when I will have a baby. I am scared I will not love him and I will not want to hold him or I will not want to be with him. I am scared I will not feel I am a mother. Sometimes I even think I could leave my baby and run away. I could just leave my baby for my boyfriend and my parents and go somewhere abroad to start a new life. Of course, these are just fantasies. I understand I cannot run from myself. Wherever I go, whatever I do I still have to live with demons in my head. 

I am afraid that taking care of my baby will be too much for me. I can feed him or change diapers, but in my head such a big responsibility can be just too much for me. 

Where do those fears come from? I think I have just never believed I could have a baby. Healthy beautiful babies do happen to people. It happens to someone, but not me... I have always felt like I was not normal, I do not deserve such happiness like having a healthy beautiful child. So now when a baby is happening to me I just feel I am not myself. Like I am living someone else's life, but not my own. 

Sometimes I lay at night and stare at my boyfriend sleeping. Why does the idea of being a father is so natural to him? Why does he want to marry me? Why would anyone want to have a family with such a confused person like me? 

I dream those questions could just go away. I want my nights to be calm. But the reality is I have to be with my scary thoughts. Night after night. My only hope is that everything will change after I will give birth.