The waiting game

It seems that all I do these days is waiting. I am in the last month of my pregnancy. In a few weeks I will have a baby. Maybe he will be born sooner. So I wait. Unfortunately this is not a calm waiting.  I am very nervous. I am afraid of giving birth. I am scared I can fall apart emotionally after giving birth. And I cannot make these fairs go away. I have to be with them. I have to survive.

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a dream. I feel like I will wake up one day and my life will be like it was before becoming pregnant. Like this pregnancy is just a dream. I want to wake up, feel normal and just go to work. I miss my old life.

At the same time I sometimes feel happy for a moment when I think about the end of the pregnancy. Very soon my pregnancy will be over and I will have a baby. Sometimes for a moment I feel excited. It is very hard for me to accept that my pregnancy is not a happy time in my life and that happiness comes only for short periods of time. Mostly the only feeling I have is anxiety.

What does hide behind the anger?

In yesterday's post I wrote how my psychiatrist's words made me cry. Yesterday I met my therapist and we talked about it. Now I understand why my reaction was so severe and why I was so angry at my psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist simply touched the topics I had doubts about myself. When she asked if I can be more patient and do not take any medicine and suffer for my baby she touched a very sensitive topic. I guess I am not in peace with my decision to take medicine while I am pregnant and while I will be breastfeeding at all... Deep down I still have doubts and I still feel like I am poisoning my baby. The words implying that I will not be a good mother made my own fears come to daylight. 

I often feel like I do not love my baby enough and that I do not care enough. I often feel like I am not a good mother. So hearing words implying that my fears could be true from another person touched me deeply.

I also felt my psychiatrist accused me of being weak and selfish. It is very hard for me to believe that my depression is a disease. Every time depression comes I accuse myself of just being lazy, selfish and weak. So the psychiatrist's words made me feel like that again. It just was too much. It is very scary to understand that not only I have doubts about my capabilities of being a good mother, but that others might have doubts in me too.

Taking medicine and breastfeeding

Yesterday I went to my psychiatrist to get a prescription for the medicine I am taking. It did not go well. I came home almost crying. The reason for that was my psychiatrist's words.

I told her that I did a research and talked to a few children's doctors about taking drugs and breastfeeding. They told me that not all drugs are harmful to the baby. Children's doctors and breastfeeding specialists recommended me to trust the site www.e-lactancia.org. If this site gives information that a drug I am taking is compatible with breastfeeding I should not worry.

But my psychiatrist has her own opinion. She strictly said I should not take any drugs if I want to breastfeed my baby. She said that I should  not poison my baby. She even asked me why I cannot sacrifice for the baby and suffer without any medicine! And also started to criticize me for wanting to breastfeed at all.

I was shocked. I almost started crying. It was so obvious my psychiatrist has no knowledge about taking medicine and breastfeeding. Her knowledge about the topic is probably 30 years old. I understand that she probably had just a few pregnant patients during her career. So she should not talk about the topic she has no understanding about.

The worst thing was that I felt her incomprehension about my feelings and my disease. Can you imagine a doctor asking a bipolar patient who just undergone severe depression if she can sacrifice for the baby and stop taking medicine? What kind of doctor does that? Does she imagine I can somehow control my disease with my will?

I usually don't trust myself. I am very inclined to blaming myself for being week. So when I heard the words blaming me I started to hesitate myself. I cried. But today I understood that I have to be ready to hear  opinions like my doctor's. It is inevitable that I will face hostility to my decision to breastfeed while I am taking medicine. I have to stay strong with my decision. I will probably cry when I am alone. But I have to stay strong with my decision to breastfeed.

10 things pregnant and depressed women don't want to hear

During my pregnancy, which was very difficult physically and emotionally, I heard many words of encouragement, but not all of them were helpful. Some words just pushed me down. I want to share with you what pregnant depressed women probably does not need to hear.

1. People survived through an exile, so you have to survive pregnancy. These were the words of one of the psychiatrists I have seen during my depression. These words were not helpful at all. They just made me feel spoiled and weak. Why can't I deal heroicly with my difficult pregnancy when others can survive an exile, serious illnesses or tortures?
2. All women have to go through this. It's not true! Every pregnancy is different. Not every pregnant woman suffers. If you have children, that does not mean you know what I am going through. Your experience could be very different.
3. It's a miracle what is happening to you! Some people tried to remind me that it's a miracle that I am creating a new life. But my feeling was not miraculous at all! Words about miracles just made me feel guilty I was not happy with my pregnancy.
4. You have to love your baby. It is very difficult to love someone who is torturing me. I am allowed to feel whatever I feel. I am allowed to be angry at my baby. I will love him in my own time. Love comes when it comes, I cannot force myself to love someone.
5. You are so happy, you will have a baby! People mostly think happiness is a given feeling during pregnancy. It's not for me! Don't say how I should feel. Absolute happiness is mainly a propaganda of mass media. In reality pregnant women most often feel fear and anxiety but not happiness.
6. Pregnancy is temporary. When I tell people that my pregnancy is difficult they remind me it's a temporary thing. Believe me, when you have to live with pregnancy for nine months it may feel like an eternity. Nine months is a lot! 
7. I envy you! Most of my friends who do not have children say that they envy me. But their jealousy just makes me feel like they don't understand how difficult being pregnant is for me. I try to explain how difficult my pregnancy is, but they don't listen. They just think that grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Believe me, it's not! Maybe it will be after the baby will be born, but now it's really not!
8. Be more optimistic, you gonna be a mother soon! Like I could change who I am! Just let me  be myself!
9. Try to go out more and relax. I mostly fell so bad and so tired, this was nearly impossible. If I  forced myself to go for a walk or meet with friend, I came home feeling absolutely exhausted physically and emotionally.
10. Try to go to work and you will not have time for misery. It is the worst thing to say to someone suffering from depression. I am not lazy. And depression will not pass if I try to be occupied. I just have no mental strength to work when I am seriously depressed. So don't encourage me to torture myself even more. Brushing my teeth is a big enough work for me.

Why do people have babies?

Nowadays I keep asking myself why do people decide to have babies. It seems I have forgotten why I wanted to have a baby. I have imagined I would feel unconditional love, but in reality all I feel is fear and anxiety. Why did I want a baby? Was I living in a fairy tale? Is having babies in reality just trouble and no joy?

I am so confused. Please remind me someone why do you have babies. What it's like to be a parent? I am so tired of being pregnant!

Will I be a good mother?

Today I want to write a post about my biggest fear. I can't stop thinking if I will be a good mother. Will I love my newborn? Where does this fear come from? I think it comes from my feelings now. I can't say I love my unborn baby. I am taking care of him and doing what is best for him, but today I don't feel unconditional love to him. I don't talk, read or sing to him. Sometimes I even get angry at him when he kicks my stomach. 

Before I got pregnant I had imagined my feeling towards baby in my belly very differently. I thought I would feel very strong love. It did not happen. So now I really worry what if love will not come when the baby will be born. What if I will feel nothing when I will hold him in my arms for the first time? Will I be able to take care of my baby if I will not love him? What if I will not want to see him at all? So many scary questions... I have read that for some mothers love towards babies comes gradually and not instantly. Sometimes it takes a few months to really feel love for a baby. But I feel very impatient. When the joy I dreamed about when I was planning a baby will finally come? I am so tired of the negative feelings! I want to be happy finally! I want to feel happiness and joy about having a baby. I want questions and fears to fade. Why does becoming a mother is so difficult for me?

Scary thoughts come at night

Last night was rough. I rolled over again and again a hundred times. I just couldn't sleep. I had a thousand thoughts in my head spinning around. And I just could't keep my legs still. I felt the need to move or shake my legs. It calmed me a little. 

What were those scary thoughts that made my night sleepless about? They were about the future. I am so afraid that I will fall apart when I will have a baby. I am scared I will not love him and I will not want to hold him or I will not want to be with him. I am scared I will not feel I am a mother. Sometimes I even think I could leave my baby and run away. I could just leave my baby for my boyfriend and my parents and go somewhere abroad to start a new life. Of course, these are just fantasies. I understand I cannot run from myself. Wherever I go, whatever I do I still have to live with demons in my head. 

I am afraid that taking care of my baby will be too much for me. I can feed him or change diapers, but in my head such a big responsibility can be just too much for me. 

Where do those fears come from? I think I have just never believed I could have a baby. Healthy beautiful babies do happen to people. It happens to someone, but not me... I have always felt like I was not normal, I do not deserve such happiness like having a healthy beautiful child. So now when a baby is happening to me I just feel I am not myself. Like I am living someone else's life, but not my own. 

Sometimes I lay at night and stare at my boyfriend sleeping. Why does the idea of being a father is so natural to him? Why does he want to marry me? Why would anyone want to have a family with such a confused person like me? 

I dream those questions could just go away. I want my nights to be calm. But the reality is I have to be with my scary thoughts. Night after night. My only hope is that everything will change after I will give birth.