The waiting game

It seems that all I do these days is waiting. I am in the last month of my pregnancy. In a few weeks I will have a baby. Maybe he will be born sooner. So I wait. Unfortunately this is not a calm waiting.  I am very nervous. I am afraid of giving birth. I am scared I can fall apart emotionally after giving birth. And I cannot make these fairs go away. I have to be with them. I have to survive.

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a dream. I feel like I will wake up one day and my life will be like it was before becoming pregnant. Like this pregnancy is just a dream. I want to wake up, feel normal and just go to work. I miss my old life.

At the same time I sometimes feel happy for a moment when I think about the end of the pregnancy. Very soon my pregnancy will be over and I will have a baby. Sometimes for a moment I feel excited. It is very hard for me to accept that my pregnancy is not a happy time in my life and that happiness comes only for short periods of time. Mostly the only feeling I have is anxiety.

What does hide behind the anger?

In yesterday's post I wrote how my psychiatrist's words made me cry. Yesterday I met my therapist and we talked about it. Now I understand why my reaction was so severe and why I was so angry at my psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist simply touched the topics I had doubts about myself. When she asked if I can be more patient and do not take any medicine and suffer for my baby she touched a very sensitive topic. I guess I am not in peace with my decision to take medicine while I am pregnant and while I will be breastfeeding at all... Deep down I still have doubts and I still feel like I am poisoning my baby. The words implying that I will not be a good mother made my own fears come to daylight. 

I often feel like I do not love my baby enough and that I do not care enough. I often feel like I am not a good mother. So hearing words implying that my fears could be true from another person touched me deeply.

I also felt my psychiatrist accused me of being weak and selfish. It is very hard for me to believe that my depression is a disease. Every time depression comes I accuse myself of just being lazy, selfish and weak. So the psychiatrist's words made me feel like that again. It just was too much. It is very scary to understand that not only I have doubts about my capabilities of being a good mother, but that others might have doubts in me too.

Why do people have babies?

Nowadays I keep asking myself why do people decide to have babies. It seems I have forgotten why I wanted to have a baby. I have imagined I would feel unconditional love, but in reality all I feel is fear and anxiety. Why did I want a baby? Was I living in a fairy tale? Is having babies in reality just trouble and no joy?

I am so confused. Please remind me someone why do you have babies. What it's like to be a parent? I am so tired of being pregnant!

Will I be a good mother?

Today I want to write a post about my biggest fear. I can't stop thinking if I will be a good mother. Will I love my newborn? Where does this fear come from? I think it comes from my feelings now. I can't say I love my unborn baby. I am taking care of him and doing what is best for him, but today I don't feel unconditional love to him. I don't talk, read or sing to him. Sometimes I even get angry at him when he kicks my stomach. 

Before I got pregnant I had imagined my feeling towards baby in my belly very differently. I thought I would feel very strong love. It did not happen. So now I really worry what if love will not come when the baby will be born. What if I will feel nothing when I will hold him in my arms for the first time? Will I be able to take care of my baby if I will not love him? What if I will not want to see him at all? So many scary questions... I have read that for some mothers love towards babies comes gradually and not instantly. Sometimes it takes a few months to really feel love for a baby. But I feel very impatient. When the joy I dreamed about when I was planning a baby will finally come? I am so tired of the negative feelings! I want to be happy finally! I want to feel happiness and joy about having a baby. I want questions and fears to fade. Why does becoming a mother is so difficult for me?

Scary thoughts come at night

Last night was rough. I rolled over again and again a hundred times. I just couldn't sleep. I had a thousand thoughts in my head spinning around. And I just could't keep my legs still. I felt the need to move or shake my legs. It calmed me a little. 

What were those scary thoughts that made my night sleepless about? They were about the future. I am so afraid that I will fall apart when I will have a baby. I am scared I will not love him and I will not want to hold him or I will not want to be with him. I am scared I will not feel I am a mother. Sometimes I even think I could leave my baby and run away. I could just leave my baby for my boyfriend and my parents and go somewhere abroad to start a new life. Of course, these are just fantasies. I understand I cannot run from myself. Wherever I go, whatever I do I still have to live with demons in my head. 

I am afraid that taking care of my baby will be too much for me. I can feed him or change diapers, but in my head such a big responsibility can be just too much for me. 

Where do those fears come from? I think I have just never believed I could have a baby. Healthy beautiful babies do happen to people. It happens to someone, but not me... I have always felt like I was not normal, I do not deserve such happiness like having a healthy beautiful child. So now when a baby is happening to me I just feel I am not myself. Like I am living someone else's life, but not my own. 

Sometimes I lay at night and stare at my boyfriend sleeping. Why does the idea of being a father is so natural to him? Why does he want to marry me? Why would anyone want to have a family with such a confused person like me? 

I dream those questions could just go away. I want my nights to be calm. But the reality is I have to be with my scary thoughts. Night after night. My only hope is that everything will change after I will give birth.

Scared of giving birth

My due date is in two months. On February 20th I am having a baby. I have just started realizing how real it is and that it is really happening. It is so strange when I think that one day I will be still pregnant and the next day I will be holding my baby in my arms. Giving birth have just become so real! I am so scared! I am trying to calm myself that giving birth is the most natural thing in the world. My body should be capable of giving birth. But it does not calm me down. I imagine how painful and scary it will be. I can see blood and I can see the baby tearing me apart very vividly in my imagination. I am so scared of giving birth that I sometimes get dizzy and I feel I can faint even when I am reading about giving birth or thinking about it. I am very angry at myself that I cannot make these scary thoughts go away. I understand that they are not useful to me in any way. They just make me nervous. But I cannot control my fears. I even talked to my friend who was also very scared of giving birth. She assured me that it was not so scary as she had imagined. But still I don't feel any calmer.

Today I will go to the lecture about giving birth. I hope I will be able to concentrate and I will not faint. Wish me luck!