What does hide behind the anger?

In yesterday's post I wrote how my psychiatrist's words made me cry. Yesterday I met my therapist and we talked about it. Now I understand why my reaction was so severe and why I was so angry at my psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist simply touched the topics I had doubts about myself. When she asked if I can be more patient and do not take any medicine and suffer for my baby she touched a very sensitive topic. I guess I am not in peace with my decision to take medicine while I am pregnant and while I will be breastfeeding at all... Deep down I still have doubts and I still feel like I am poisoning my baby. The words implying that I will not be a good mother made my own fears come to daylight. 

I often feel like I do not love my baby enough and that I do not care enough. I often feel like I am not a good mother. So hearing words implying that my fears could be true from another person touched me deeply.

I also felt my psychiatrist accused me of being weak and selfish. It is very hard for me to believe that my depression is a disease. Every time depression comes I accuse myself of just being lazy, selfish and weak. So the psychiatrist's words made me feel like that again. It just was too much. It is very scary to understand that not only I have doubts about my capabilities of being a good mother, but that others might have doubts in me too.

Disturbing feelings during pregnancy

The main thing I have learned in psychotherapy is that wrong or forbidden feelings do not exist. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. Even when you are pregnant. You can feel so angry at someone that sometimes you want to hurt or to kill him or her and you can even have fantasies about doing it. It is completely normal if you do not do it in reality. It is completely normal to have such feeling for... your baby. It may sound very harsh, but it is the reality. The world is not just black or white. It is mainly grey. We can love and be angry at someone at the same time. I can be very angry at my baby when I feel nauseous all the time for days. At the same time I can love my baby to the moon and back. I know that some women can condemn me for my words. But I am not a bad person. I just have the courage to talk about difficult things. Most pregnant women do not allow themselves to have ambivalent feelings or they block them unconciously. Sometimes such moral filters we have can result in depression or can cause various psychosomatic symptoms. For example, for me vomiting during pregnancy stopped as soon as I stopped trying to be happy about my pregnancy and said loudly that sometimes I was so exhausted I wanted the pregnancy to disappear.